A Million Ways to Self-Sabotage

A couple of days ago, I had a realization. Not so much a new one, but the notion finally congregated into a tangible concept in my mind for the first time. I was sitting in the dining room of our house, and looking up at the trusty wall clock in the kitchen I noticed it was 5:15 in the morning, and I'd been studying for 11 hours. The next day was an exam, and I was underprepared and overwhelmed.

In situations like those it's easy to blame life, claiming some extraordinary force is influencing you in a direction you don't want to go. And a lot of people do this, whether it be blaming God or fate, luck or karma. Eventually, though, you have to wonder: What exactly was your own part in the events that precipitated this very moment or situation/circumstance? How did you, subconsciously or consciously, affect the course of your own life and the intrinsic value - good or bad - supposedly contained in the concept of fate?

My second realization this week, midterm week, was one of responsibility. I bombed a test (or two, I'll never feel comfortable admitting defeat), and the psychological aftermath was daunting. A pattern emerged, in my own life, revealing the fact that when it comes down to brass tax, when I evaluate the causes and effects leading me to the status quo, I am the only one responsible for what happens to me and for me. Sure, people might try to affect you and diverge your path in good or bad ways, but in reality the concept of choice (free will) still ends up being the deciding factor in the outcome.

As a part of this line of thought and general feeling that I am indeed my own worst enemy at this point in time, I have compiled a list of (not quite a million) ways I continuously work against myself, ways I truly self-sabotage for (as of now) unknown reasons. Enjoy, while I writhe in discomfort.

1. Convincing myself that pulling an all-night cram session before any exam will leave me more than half educated and less than fully exhausted.

2. Believing I have the superpower of accelerated learning, giving rise to the practice of only cracking the book for an exam a mere 24 hours before the actual exam.

3. Never doing the problems. This one is nonsensical, but still persists: I'm greatly allergic to homework problems, somehow believing them to take away from my free will and thus, sense of freedom. If I never do them, at least I won't feel like the problems own me (or my time).

4. Reviewing notes or reading ahead is for nerds and the 'slower' guys - CK surely doesn't need to see/hear information more than once (3 times seems like thrice the agony).

5. Believing, truly, that watching either Heroes or House will somehow transmit knowledge of medicine, a special power (to learn), or instigate incredible problem solving skills (see #3 though) simply by relaxing the brain and "taking care of myself."

6. The treacherous power of justification. Anything can be rationalized or justified if you have the right angle - adding phantom positives to something usually negative or unwise will yield a favoring of the actions themselves, even though objectively still not the best course to take. TV instead of homework anyone?

7. Socializing, since it makes me happy, surely must affect my academics positively by proxy. Let's talk about our feelings, I can do the genetics problems.. uhm.. after midnight. Right.

8. Not having time to work out stems from the imaginary enormous load of things I have to do, so as soon as I imagine taking care of those (after some Heroes, of course) I will get going on those sit-ups.

9. If I don't seriously try, the outcome doesn't reflect my ability (only the effort I put in). This means that if I never do the problems and fail a test, I'm not too stupid to understand genetics, I simply didn't try hard enough. Now the failure is a step removed, and I don't have to internalize the consequences.

10. If you can't win, don't play. This gives rise to the self-defeatist attitude that devolves into environmental blame, once again removing the quality of the outcome from my own character. Hey, the game's rigged, there's no way to win, so throwing the game makes more sense.. no?

11. Sleep is (one of) the best feelings in the world. Sleeping has a million positive effects on us, with the added bonus of making us alert and focused if enough is had. And by enough I usually mean going to bed at 3 AM and sleeping until I at least missed genetics or religion. Hey, at least I'm rested, right? That is paramount in today's overly stressed world (wait, we had a test today? Ooops).

12. It's okay to have junk food, snacks and any form of sugar when I'm doing homework, studying for a test, or generally needing the extra energy. Never mind that I'm cracked up daily anyways, plus I have an unfortunate caffeine habit, my brain biologically NEEDS the refined sugars to function, damn it!

13. The study plan I made is mostly for peace of mind, and looking at it more than once (when I type it up) is useless.. who stays organized nowadays anyhow?

14. Distractions are meant to be followed. People who are that random and that impulsive surely lead more interesting, fun lives. Never mind that I won't get my studying done - we're having popcorn during the movie! Hm.. what was I saying?

15. Schedules are for control freaks. By which I mean I might have made one (four), but that following it would be limiting myself and my freedom.

16. Doing it later means having more time right now.. to think about what to do later, do nothing, or do something fun, all of which should be repeated when it comes time to do 'it' later - which in most cases will be postponed indefinitely.



Okay. There it is. The written form of my self-accusation, put on paper (screen) to make it undeniable to myself: I'm my own worst enemy, with the potential of being my own best friend. It sounds weird, I know, but self-promotion has a long-standing tradition in this country, and those who aren't doing it fall behind.. far behind. The promotion of my own skills, potential, intelligence and acquisition of knowledge should not be a negative and chore-related concept; the fun and joy will come from the positive consequences. It's not enough to dream, as dreams without actions remain simply good intentions. And let's be honest: I'm better than that.

Labels: Personal Issues, Philosophy, Ponderings, Rants

posted by CK @ 19:01