Existential Crisis Deciphered

As I write this post, my mind keeps telling me that I shouldn't. I should, it says, instead be running from bar to bar partying it up (a little late there, mind, since it's 2:00 a.m., but nice try), studying some vague medical subject just so I'm prepared for the MCAT or whatever other important task I have to complete the next few years, or even sleeping to be able to wake up and be able to make the most out of my last 19 days and 22 hours as a teenager. That's just the thing; my birthday, my 20th birthday, the big 2-0 is coming up, and I'm basically freaking out. I keep torturing myself every free minute I have, mostly with questions like if I have made the most out of my teenage years, those precious teenage years that so many "adults" spend incredible amounts of time and money trying to revert to, and if I could have done more, or if there's something I could have done differently. I was after all given 2557 days of teenagehood, and now they are coming to and end, one second at a time. Will I be able to tell my children that yes, dad made the most out of his teenage years, partying it up and doing everything he could have done, with no regrets? Isn't that what it all comes down to? Did my teenage years just pass me by, did I just waste them all, and now suddenly waking up and realizing it in the past few weeks of it? Has my life so far just been a mockery, a bad movie, a boring C-movie that I wouldn't even want to see if given the choice? That I'm even asking these questions scares me, because I shouldn't have to. I should be able to simply state that "these were good times, I'm content with this, I did all I possibly could and now it's time to enter the more serious adulthood". But no, I can't, I'm stuck here in my uncertainty, wondering if I just screwed up the 8 years of my life that everyone who've left them seem desperate to go back to.

I hate this. I'm now down to the 19th day and 21st hour before I exit my teenage years, and I still don't know if I should cry over spilt milk or feel good about refilling my cup. Some things I do know I have done right though, and others I cannot quite decide if were either positive or negative. The first positive thing that comes to mind from my past 8 teenage years must be going on my exchange year to Arizona. It was certainly a journey I'll never regret, and that makes me feel good. I did something out of the ordinary, I broadened my horizon, and I had more fun than most typical teens do. A big point on the good side of life, which I guess means I have to balance it out with a few minor negative ones. First of all, I certainly know that I didn't spend as much time with my grandmother before she passed away as I would have liked to, and the same goes for my cat Farouk. Once in a while I still imagine him entering whatever room I'm in, just to turn and face the fact that he's not there, and never will be again. Such losses are hard to take, but are sadly enough a part of life, a part we all must experience if we are daring enough to love someone. That's the hazard, but to me the grief will never outweigh the joy of love, and thus I guess the love is worth whatever pain it will inevitably cause.

You make a lot of acquaintances in 8 years, and some you are lucky enough to make friends. I have kept mostly all the people worth keeping in my life, and that I would say I'm content with. Some are new, and others have gotten to prove themselves more long-lasting. My friend Julie and I, for example, have been friends for 6 years now, which is probably the second longest of my friendships that I currently still can say I have. But just as you keep some friends, others seem to suddenly and mysteriously count themselves out, like Thomas. I'm beginning to come to terms with it now, but that's hard too, that he's decided we're not worth his time anymore, and that he'd like it more if he could live his life without me in it. Okay, I say, I certainly did my part, and probably more than could be expected of anyone who's brushed off like that, so I actually don't regret anything when it comes to Thomas. He made his choice and stuck with it, and thus he's the one who has to live with killing a 9 year old friendship. Sad, sure, inexplicable, sure, but when he's 25 and he gets dumped by his girlfriend, he'll have to call someone else, because then I'll have other people relying on me to be there for them.

But halfway bitter remarks about past best friends aside, what else have I done with my precious years of life? I went to college, that's something, and even that's more than anyone in my family, which should be noted as an accomplishment. I have gotten a plan for the future, which is also a good thing, as well as reconnecting to and finally establishing some equal relationship to my brother. I've learned that a not so picture perfect background doesn't necessarily put any ends to the dreams you can have, and more than ever I believe that dreams that defy logic usually end up being the best realities.

So, what else should I have done? Exercised, that's one. Let's not ignore the elephant in the room (more literally than anything else), I'm not exactly an athlete, neither have been since I was like 14. But, obsessed eating out of boredom and negative feelings aside, I have wishes and visions, exemplified in the various idols I have chosen. The Smallvillian Clark Kent (including Tom Welling), for one, with his mild mannered personality and cool, athletic appearance, J.D. from "Scrubs" (also the guy who plays him, Zach Braff), for another, seeing as he's both funny, cool and profound, and even Bright (Chris Pratt) from Everwood's a person I'd like to be more like. Hopefully I'm not the only one in this world with role models to aspire to, and hopefully you don't think I'm all weird now. Anyways, I think we all need stuff to reach for, so I'll just tell you that I keep reaching every day, even though it seems to be an eternal struggle to actually find out who you are in the scheme of things.

Life is a long book, I guess (oh, Christian, that's original, did you think of that all by yourself? Amazing), and now a chapter is about to close for me. It contains many battles, some won and some lost, much love and many adventures, many times I'd love to relive and others I wish could have been taken out, many choices with uncertain outcomes, many friends and a few really good ones, more deaths of loved ones than should have been, less guilt than initially thought, and a heck of a student loan. What I can say for certain, anyways, is that I cherish where I am now, and no age can ever tell me not to be a teenager at heart. I miss a lot of things, look forward to even more, and I actually think turning 20 could become a good thing. I'll try to make sure that this next decade doesn't contain any regrets, only won battles, and more self realizing. It's time I start anew, with a blank slate and only the good luggage packed and ready to go, because future: Here I come.

Reminding you that in 19 days, 20 hours, 20 minutes, Christian will turn 20, and that's why February 11th, 2006 is a special day.

Labels: Complaining, Ponderings

posted by CK @ 10:40