My Deep Roots and Other Great Analogies

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know [...]

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

- "Home" by Michael Buble.

As always, there are people who know how to put things a million times better than we can, and this time I found my issue themed so well in a song.

I talked to my dad the other day, and during our conversation I told him about my indecision, my conundrum, regarding next year's plans, and as always he wasn't of much help. It's not that he didn't try, of course, and the past few years I think I have noticed somewhat of a growth in him as well. He's grown more understanding in many ways, and actually seems to have grown right in to the patient, understanding dad-role my brother and I have always hoped would come. We had our little talk on the phone, and when I mentioned that I wasn't sure what choice, path or whatever other kind of clichee road I would choose, the aforementioned unhelpfulness became truly apparent. Deriving energy from some mysterious parent place (maybe there's a manual), he calmly told me that he would support and stand by me a hundred percent no matter what my choice is, and that he was proud of me for doing all that I have done so far anyways, that he would be immensely proud of me even if I had chosen to become a street sweeper or say, garbage man. Oh, incredibly nice, somewhat comforting, but not what I need. What I need now is for someone to take my hand and step in front of me, and lead me through the maze of doubts, fears and confusions. I am the only one who can make the call, I guess, and the road to a decision is cluttered with many thoughts, feelings and advice. My dad would love to have me back, he said, but what he found more important is what I think would be best for me..

I am on my own on this one. I must make some major, life altering decisions by myself, decisions that will impact my life and future happiness. Is that what's at stake? Sure, to my dad small decisions like ham or cheese on my shcool lunch were fine, but when it comes to the big ones I'm pretty much on my own. Not exactly what I call a picnic.

My dad seems to have developed his analogical side a bit, and used it to make an important point. He warned me of the pitfalls of taking too long to decide, in fact, he emphasized that I shouldn't let the trains of my life leave the station if there was a chance I wanted to be on one of them. I agreed, telling him that I am planning on buying tickets to all the various trains (applying to the different schools, etc, for those not following), and that I would get on the right one when I know which one it is. Now, I am procrastinatory about this decision, probably out of fear of making the wrong one and the implications of such a move, but hopefully I will know before the trains start up their engines.

Relating back to the song lyrics above, I need to emphasize the apparent importance of my roots in my life. My roots are, like many people's, my friends and family, and most of my roots are naturally back in Norway. Just like a tree cut down and shipped overseas, I imagine that I cannot live without my deep roots and that I am faced with two choices; growing new ones (which takes years and might not be possible because of the difference of the soil) or returning to my old and well grounded ones. I do indeed feel amputated without my roots, and now the question has become if I'm ready to endure this indefinetely until some new roots grow out (and the old ones wither and die).

I am at a fork in the road, one certain trail has divided into exactly four other ones, and I am stuck at the junction. I'd like time to stop, and for me to be able to put off making the decision forever, but I guess freezing time's just not in my imaginary backpack of skills. Sadly enough. Time, darn it, keeps rolling, and the hour of determination draws near. But, I will be ready. I will have an answer.

It's just my life we're talking about, after all.

Labels: Philosophy, Pictures, Ponderings

posted by CK @ 11:46