My (Dark) December

Don't worry, the (not so) clever pun in the title doesn't have anything to with my mood, rather the darkness of the season. December is here, and has been for a while now, which I just find truly amazing. 130 days ago (pretty close estimate), I was standing at the Oslo Airport, suitcases in hand, ready to for the second time plunge head first into a foreign culture and, once again, forsake my family and friends (at least for some time) in doing so. And on Wednesday the first leg of the journey which will eventually bring me home again begins, although not with as much enthusiasm on my part as perhaps should be expected. I left people, shall we say, people that are important to me, back in Oslo on what could only be described as a weird footing, and now I'm going back to face the remains of my evasion.

Life's full of difficult choices, and sadly enough this is a fact about it not everyone understands. This year I was again faced with the choice between my future career and a shot at finding out what I was made of, what my place in the world should or could be, and spending another three years back in Oslo with my family and friends. I made the choice, and I still have left to see if it was the right one. What I've gained I know, that being a chance to get the profession I want and exploring a new culture, but the inventory of what I've lost these past 6 months still remains to be written. Some people reacted with less than understanding to my choice, perhaps reflecting more their self interest than what's best for me, and I was surprised at the low level of selflessness I encountered in the people who were closest to me. A journey out of your natural circumstances and environment certainly puts your relationships to the test, but the good ones are supposed to be able to withstand such trials. Think of absences like these like a filter, if that's the right metaphor, through which only the purer and stronger relationships can get through. It is entirely possible that I'll return to Norway with a full filter and absolutely nothing on the other side, and that is a possibility I have to face. I'll have to accept that, and eventually move on to my future life, leaving behind the people that weren't real enough to hold on.

It's scary, though. At one point I might have to realize that I have absolutely nothing, absolutely nothing to show for nearly 20 years of life, nothing but a dream of a future and my own, shattered self to build from. Dreams are all good, but they won't support you when that's what you need the most. That's why I truly hope what will meet me on that airport in Norway, or wherever while I'm there, will be those true friends that I idealize will be there. And family, don't forget family, I love them and hope the feeling's still mutual despite my many faults. I hope.

"I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water."

Labels: Pictures

posted by CK @ 00:16

The Duality Within

I've been thinking. In fact, I have been more than thinking, I've been pondering. And you know how pondering has a way of taking off in all directions, or more precisely all the way down one direction, yielding no other answers than more questions. I tried, though, and I keep trying, because I think this is somehow connected with our long lost purpose in this world. To seek out the answers, no matter how unsatisfying they may turn out to be.

In 2001, my class went down to Poland, Germany and the Czech Republic in order to experience the aftermath of WWII and ezpecially the Holocaust first hand. We visited many of the concentration camps, inclucing Auschwitz/Birkenau, Sachsenhausen and Theresienstadt, and it was truly an experience for life, which really put things into perspective.

I recently watched "The Downfall", or as it's more correctly titled in German, "Der Untergang". What a stunning piece of filmography. I was left contemplating the movie and its historical truths ever since, exactly what drove Hitler, what exactly fueled his intense hatred, and in the end, what exactly had him getting as far as he did, responsible for 6 million killed Jews, and a total death toll of the war passing 50 million lives. It scares me, it genuinely scares me, that one single person is capable of that kind of ultimate, organized evil, and that his entire country stood idly by, even the rest of the world stood idly by for a while, and he managed to spread his twisted, horrendous ideology to far more gullible minds than anyone would ever dream possible.

The whole thing has made me wonder about people in general, human nature if you will. Do we all have something inherently evil inside, a side that is only supressed because it doesn't serve us in the context of a society? Is the human soul also a part of duality, is it too consisting of good and good's counterpart, evil? Time and time again, people have certainly demonstrated that we are creatures of two sides, a hand that in one instant whipes a child's tears can in the moment before have caused them, and this duality seems to be represented in every choice we make. Human duality is bewildering, and I think with good cause. It has been said that what a person is lies not in his words, but the predominant tendency of his actions. Therefore, it seems, we are all walking the fine line between good and evil every day, and once in a while a few of us stray into the dark side of ourselves, either by choice or maybe even predestiny. It baffles me, what happened in the last world war, and I tremble in face of the prospects of what humanity is capable of in the future. We are all capable of such endless good, but sadly enough also its opposite. Despite all this, I believe in humanity, and that we'll one day be able too look back at our common history and see that what we accomplished, small and big, was primarily good, and that our efforts to make sense of the world will eventually pay off.

Just remember that bad thinking kills.

posted by CK @ 06:43