Plunges and Limbos

It's been a while (read: about 2 years) since I had one of my "metaphorical breakdowns," the ones where I frantically use metaphores to either define my circumstance through breaking it down into metaphores, or just simply break down and start writing jibberish disguised as metaphores. For some reason, the spring is the prime time for such psychological metaanalyses (yes, I just conjugated that seemlessly), with its newfound sun and optimistic greenery. You might remember (if not, here's a reminder) my post at Augie in 2006, called "My Deep Roots and Other Great Analogies," and how it dealt with both my choice of careers, the country to study in, and the university to choose. Fascinatingly, a lot has changed since then (I keep telling myself), but the feeling of indecision remains the same. So much, in fact, I debated whether or not to just call this post 'Indecision 2008' (and those of you who watch The Daily Show know where I have that title from).

2 years ago, I was wrestling with going back to Norway, going to Hawai'i or the University of Kansas, or just staying at Augie for the entire bachelor's. Back then, the first choice won, due to what I cite as family situations and a sudden regard for my financial standing. And that was fine, I'd make the same choice all over again (due to the nature of my reasons), but now the issue is back. What to do, what to do.

Let me pause this long, tedious recount of what has been, by taking the time to self-analyse. My problem seems to be a fear of letting go, and here begins my first analogy; the plunge. I have for years, since after high school, been standing at the edge of the pool of life, afraid to finally dive in and surrender myself to the whims of the waves. I have been afraid of letting go of the familiar, comfortable edge, due to the unfamiliar, perhaps cold and unwelcoming waters ahead. And, in order to actually hit the water, there'll first be a period of flying through the air, not knowing where I'll land. And that is the uncertainty I haven't felt ready to face. Yet.

I realize now that taking this plunge is inevitable if I ever want to tell my grandkids that grandpa actually started living life for real sometime. Fact is, if I don't take the plunge and fully invest myself in the present, the future will be dominated by the past. And that, my friends, is my proverbial limbo. Stuck in the past, never really living the present for fear of the future. A non-time existence, so flip-flopping and so indecisive only to keep dodging the beginnings of a future. That can't be the solution to anything.

My resolution gained from this train of thought thus has to be the opposite, e.g. decisive instead of indecisive. Breaking the limbo, taking the plunge, going for broke (and yes, that unfortunately means financially, too), and finally fully investing myself in whatever I choose. No more doing things half way because a 100% effort might actually mean furthering my own self, and lead to that menacing future. Starting now, I am serious about myself, and I'll accept whatever the fate of the future has in store. Mostly because the alternative of limbo sounds so much worse.

Labels: Personal Issues, Philosophy, Ponderings

posted by CK @ 19:49